30 Sep

Of all the fruits, I think mandarins are easily the most obnoxious. If they were a dinosaur, I wouldn’t be friendly towards them (not that I have a great track record of being friendly to other dinosaurs…)

When someone starts to eat mandarin, everyone in the vicinity knows about it. Sure, it’s a NICE smell, but that doesn’t mean I want to be swimming in it, you jerk. All that smell is saying is “hey, I’m a delicious mandarin and you don’t have one”. I could have a mandarin if I wanted to.

Sometimes I do, and the problems get worse. Mandarins come in their own packaging (oh, aren’t you fancy), but that packaging can be a nightmare to unwrap. If mandarins were as good as they thought they were, their packaging would have a damn zipper. I’m told this may not be such a big deal for puny humans, but when you have arms like a splintered toothpick, it’s quite a challenge.

If you manage to get through the orange minefield, you then have to face the spider’s web of string that will drive you mad if any of it gets in between your teeth. THEN you have to break it into it’s preordained segments (why can’t I just eat you whole, stupid fruit).

Finally, you have in your claw a nice, string free segment of mandarin. You put it in your mouth, full of bone-crushing, foot-long death spikes, only to have the momentary joy disrupted by the presence of a pip. After close to an hour of preparation, there’s still a fucking pip. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! Just when you think you’ve conquered this smug little bastard, it has the last laugh.

Now you’re left with a messy desk covered in string, skin and the odd half chewed pip, sticky fingers, annoyed neighbours, and the strong sense that you had been bested by a pint-sized orange. Fantastic.

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One Response to “”

  1. Dom V September 30, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    I’m so glad you’re back…

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